When Helping Hurts - Connect Group Discussion Guide

Scripture

“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”
Galatians 5:16

The flesh does not always look obvious. Sometimes pride looks like leadership. Control looks like protection. And co-dependency can look like discipleship.

The question isn't simply, “Am I helping?” The question is: “Is the way I'm helping this person making them more dependent on Jesus or on me?”

Additional Scripture References

Philippians 2:3
John 3:30
John 6:35
Matthew 6:11
Philippians 2:12–13
Ephesians 4:11–14
1 Corinthians 11:1

Main Idea

Biblical discipleship leads people into greater dependence on Christ, not greater dependence on us.

God created us for community. We need pastors, leaders, friends, mentors, and accountability. But healthy relationships should help us grow closer to Jesus, not replace our personal relationship with Him.

The Flesh Loves To Be Needed

Scripture

Philippians 2:3
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”

John 3:30
“He must become greater; I must become less.”

Overview

There is a difference between being needed and needing to be needed.

Sometimes helping makes us feel important, spiritual, valuable, or necessary. That's why we have to examine not only what we do, but why we do it.

YOU CAN DO A SELFLESS THING FOR A SELFISH REASON

Deeper Dive

John the Baptist had disciples and influence. But when people began leaving him to follow Jesus, John said, “He must become greater; I must become less.” John understood that his purpose was never to make people dependent on him. His purpose was to prepare them for Jesus.

Healthy discipleship works the same way. As people mature, they should learn to pray, study Scripture, make wise decisions, and develop convictions for themselves. ^{Our goal isn't to make people need us more. It's to help them need Jesus more.}

Questions

How can you tell when genuinely helping someone has turned into an unhealthy need to be needed?
Do you get frustrated when someone doesn't take your advice?
Does someone's growing independence ever feel like rejection?
Why do you think being needed can become so connected to our identity?

Stop Giving People What Only God Can Provide

Scripture

John 6:35
“I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry.”

Matthew 6:11
“Give us today our daily bread.”

Overview

People can encourage us, pray for us, and give us wisdom. But they cannot become our source.

There is nothing wrong with calling somebody. The problem is when calling somebody replaces calling on God.

IF EVERY CRISIS SENDS YOU TO A PERSON BEFORE IT SENDS YOU TO GOD, SOMETHING IS OUT OF ORDER.

Deeper Dive

Jesus taught us to pray for daily bread. That means daily dependence. We needed God yesterday. We need Him today. And we'll need Him again tomorrow.

Community and accountability are biblical, but they cannot replace personal responsibility. Someone can remind you to pray, but they cannot pray for you forever. Someone can encourage you to read Scripture, but eventually you have to open the Bible yourself.

YOU CANNOT LIVE FOREVER ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S REVELATION.

At some point, your relationship with Jesus has to become your relationship with Jesus.

ACCOUNTABILITY CAN ENCOURAGE YOUR OBEDIENCE, BUT IT CANNOT OBEY FOR YOU.

Questions

When you feel anxious, confused, tempted, or overwhelmed, where do you instinctively turn first?
Why can going to another person sometimes feel easier than going directly to God?
Where have you relied on accountability when what you really needed was discipline?
What is one area where you need to take greater responsibility for your spiritual growth?

Point Them To Jesus

Scripture

1 Corinthians 11:1
“Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”

Overview

The answer isn't to stop helping people. It's to help them in the right way.

Paul wasn't the destination. He pointed people toward Jesus. We should do the same.

DON'T BECOME SOMEONE'S SOURCE WHEN GOD ONLY CALLED YOU TO BE A SIGN.

Deeper Dive

Ephesians 4 teaches that spiritual leaders are called to equip God's people. The goal is maturity. Good discipleship doesn't constantly hand someone answers. It teaches them where to find the Answer.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is resist solving someone's problem immediately. Pray with them. Open Scripture together. Ask questions. Give them room to seek God and develop discernment.

^{Don't abandon them. Equip them. Don't control them. Empower them. Don't become their source. Point them to the Source.}

Questions

What would it practically look like to point someone toward Jesus instead of immediately solving their problem?
Who in your life may need you to equip them rather than continually give them answers?
How can asking “Have you prayed about it?” or “What does Scripture say?” change the way we disciple someone?
Where might you need to step back so someone else can grow?

Summary

We need community, but community was never meant to replace Jesus.

Some of us have become too dependent on people. Others have become too comfortable with people depending on us.

Both need to change.

REAL DISCIPLESHIP IS SUCCESSFUL WHEN THEY NEED YOU LESS AND JESUS MORE

THE GOAL ISN'T FOR THEM TO SAY, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU." THE GOAL IS FOR THEM TO SAY, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT JESUS."

Call to Action

Identify which side you're on this week.

If you've become too dependent on people:

Before you text, pray. Before you ask their opinion, open your Bible. Before asking, “What do you think?” ask, “God, what are You saying?”

If you're the person everybody depends on, keep loving them. But stop giving them what only God can provide.

Point them back to Jesus.

There is only one Savior, and it's not you.

Prayer Prompts

Search my heart. Ask God to reveal where your desire to help may actually be a desire to feel needed.
Reveal unhealthy dependence. Ask God to show you where you've been running to people before running to Him.
Build discipline in me. Pray for consistency in Scripture, prayer, church, and obedience.
Help me disciple well. Ask for wisdom to equip people rather than control them.
Build a mature church. Pray that Encounter Church would produce believers who know God's Word, seek Him personally, and depend on Jesus.